Protection against the urban wildlife — Rick Perry edition

74 Days — 


Running up the Mall evokes patriotic feelings. Running in SE DC makes the heart race and the feet move a little bit faster.

We all know there are parts of the district that you are warned never to set foot as they are notorious for high crime and a severe lacking of tourist traps.

McFadden's in Foggy Bottom earns a spot on the notorious list, but for reasons completely different altogether.

Nevertheless, I figured a bright and sunny morning run near RFK and other generally populated areas should be a safe-ish time to explore new parts of the district.

Never did I expect the biggest danger to my safety would be the wildlife. Yes, I am starting to think that Anacostia (notice the striking resemblance to anaconda), Benning Road, NE, SE have earned their spots on the avoidance list because urban critters will attack with no notice (only if I had Rick Perry to run with for protection).

I ran upon a cat guarding a sidewalk — Call of Duty lolz cat style. This obviously perturbed cat — probably angry after getting cut from his lolz cats audition — got really low, fur standing up, teeth flashing, ready to pounce at a moments notice.

While I find pictures of cats doing funny things amusing (see previous post), I am not a fan of the real ones. So I did what any 5'11, 200 pound human would do and scampered across the street, hoping this cat didn't possess magical flying powers. It didn't and I escaped unscathed.

Next time I go running in this area, I really should bring Rick Perry with me, or just bring a gun and do what he did. It does take purely superhuman talent to kill a rabid coyote, with one shot while in mid stride and I have yet to master doing three things at once like Perry.

So Governor if you are ever in the District and want to go clean up the most notorious streets of DC with me, I would be more than happy to have you as a critter fighting partner in Sights in My Nikes.

Keeping pace with the Gazellewoman

91 Days — 

The gazelleman is a rare breed. Often spotted at marathons, Ironman races and Whole Foods, these creatures only run while others rest.

When one sees a gazelleman in the wild, it's an incredible sight — the seamless gliding through the air and the perfect form — that invokes feelings of envy and awe.

Of course, a fair warning to any human runners: when waiting with one of these rare creatures at a stop light or when the gush of wind suddenly makes you think you can keep pace, just remember that after a block you will be so toast that the cheetah chasing the gazelle will go for you instead.

And yes, this is from personal experience (well except for the cheetah part — that would be strange in DC). Stopping tonight at a light, a gorgeous gazellewoman (even more rare) glided up to the corner. As she stood there waiting for traffic to pass, she almost hopped in front of a truck, nearly becoming a permanent hood ornament. To prevent the loss of such majestic grace, I yelled 'Watch out,' to which the gazellewoman paid a second of attention to me.

It was in that hot second that I felt I too could channel my inner gazelle and keep up or pass this creature. Sadly, after keeping up for a block, I was burned at the next light as the gazellewoman took off with her brown big curl hair and Santa hat blowing in the breeze — leaving me to truck it up the Hill.

While I don't usually admit defeat, it's not often a mere human runner can interact so closely with a gazellewoman.

For tomorrow's run, it's back to the normal pace that allows me to take in the Sights in My Nikes.

Kangaroos in trees; Australian for Christmas

103 Days — 

We all know the saying, 'Foster's, Australian for Beer.' Well time to add a new 'Australian for [insert your favorite thing].'

I am by no means, nor have I ever claimed to be a biologist. But I can safely assert that Kangaroos are not native to the greater Washington, D.C. area, nor do they belong in trees.

Alas, in the land where States and numbers meet this is indeed true.

Trucking along tonight, sans music, I come across an outdoor evergreen tree with Christmas bows and very large cutout kangaroo ornaments. No joke, Kangaroos are literally hanging off this tree.

Certainly, ornament design makes Christmas trees stand out and unique. My parents, harking back to their Florida days, still have a fish tree and a regular tree; the Obamas put up 51 trees outside the White House; and well I guess we  know how the Aussies celebrate the holidays. Surprised PETA hasn't said anything...

So tonight, I'll tip back my post-run Foster's and say "Here's to my good mates down under for introducing a non-native species to the District and for giving me some good Sights in my Nikes."